Good Things from Cancer: #1
Everybody says you are supposed to fight cancer. Newspapers carry stories of brave battles against the disease. And Western medicine pulls out its biggest guns for the war – chemotherapy, radical surgery, radiation…
I am having all those treatments and more — but the battle metaphor just doesn’t work for me.
When I was diagnosed, I had reached a point of my life where I was learning to love what is. To accept that whatever was happening in a particular moment was just as it ought to be — however much I might wish it otherwise. To understand that what I called problems were often blessings in disguise.
This hardwon learning had me happier than I had ever been in my life.
So when I was told I had cancer, I couldn’t go backwards and start ranting and railing against it, turning it into an enemy.
Even though it seemed to have arrived at the worst possible time. I was initiating a major expansion of Font Literary Agency and Writing Centre into London and the US and had taken on a new colleague, the bright and brilliant Pamela Moran, who was helping to make it happen. Philip and I had just sold our family home with a view to dividing our lives between Dublin and California. I was at work on a third novel. Every day was full of plans and projects, exciting work that kept me busy and engaged.
But now: this.
Refusing questions like: Why me? (not a question at all but a cry of pain), I asked instead, Why is this here? What is it saying to me that I need to know?
The answers are still unfolding but the first one came loud and clear and took me by surprise. Stop, it said. You’re too busy.
But, I protested, I love what I do. I love it all.
Stop, I heard again.
So I’ve stopped. The expansion is postponed and Pamela has found a new job. Font is now in the hands of my partner, Ita O’Driscoll. Our family remains in Dubiln, in a rented home, until my treatment is complete. And I am spending my days doing very little. Less than I’ve ever done in 25 years of working life. Mostly just reading and writing, hanging with family and friends, resting and getting better.
And what do you know? These new, slowgoing days are full of riches that I only thought about before. I knew they were there, knew the truth of what Kafka said when he wrote, “You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet, still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”
I knew it but now I’m living it. That’s me, down on the floor, rolling around with it.
Thanks to cancer.
[...] presents Good Things I?ve Gained from Having Cancer: #1 posted at Orna [...]
[...] presents Good Things I’ve Gained from Having Cancer: #1 posted at Orna Ross, saying, “Problems are often blessings in disguise. Personal story from [...]
Dear Orna,
I’m so sorry to hear your news but well done youfor reacting in the way you have. Fingers crossed for your treatment. I have recently had to do what you have done (wihtout the cancer, but being ill) and have had to cut right back. As you said, it really makes you appreciate the little things in life. A robin’s song. A breeze on the water. A hug. A smile. The things that really matter. Wishing you all the best.
@ Derek: No, not yet. But soon.
@ Annette: thank you for the good wishes and wise truths.
I am so glad you are in remission. Life has away of teaching us all we can not have ultimate control over our destiny and just as we think we have figured it all out something upsets the apple tree. We are all guilty of taking things for granted.Allow this time to let your body heal. I have an aunt who had cancer over 30 years ago so remission is good.
I think I read this too quickly the first time I read it.
I don’t know what to say.
I thought it was behind you, in your past, I didn’t read it right.
It’s not the past tense…I see that now.
[...] Ross tells us about the good things she has gained from having cancer/ and points out that fighting cancer as if it were a battle is not the only approach to tackling the [...]
Derek, thanks for the endorsement and for the great review on Blog Catalog — appreciated. Hope your fundraising is going well.
Jayda, you’re right. But maybe not so amazing when you think how much effort we can put into avoiding what’s really going on in our lives while we busy ourselves up with other stuff. Or was that just me?
Thanks for dropping by, André, and look forward to your return. You couldn’t love Ireland more than I love France… voyez-vous bientôt!
Orna
I love Ireland !
Je vais revenir pour lire votre blog…
André.
It is amazing, really.
Isn’t it amazing that only when our bodies force us to stop do we actually slow down and listen? Illness is never something to be thankful forf, but I understand the benefits that are attached, like getting some rest.
Be blessed.
What a rich and meaningful vindication of life itself. An absolute treasure…